"I am a hard-core believer that the clean desktop is the way to go... At the same time, we told OEMs that if they were going to put a bunch of icons on the desktop, then so were we."Jim Allchin
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Drug Addiction - Drugs Don't Love You Anymore
When we think of drug addiction, we simply think of somebody who's gotten accustomed to taking an addictive substance and can't stop. But what causes this addiction, what is the force behind it. For instance, what is the thing which makes the user go back ...
Nicocure Stop Smoking Treatment
Nicocure is a new generation aid to help you give up smoking. Nicocure gives you the best possible chance of success and our workplace trials with thousands of smokers over ten years have demonstrated this. If you've decided to quit, you've come to the ...
Stress in the Workplace
Why are you so busy? Do you really have too much work? Is work so important to you that you'll sacrifice just about anything in your life to get the job done? Even if it's at the expense of your health and your relationships? Stress in the workplace can ...
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Dysfunctional give and take
I've recently been working with groups of women who are unable to stop 'giving' to others. But their behaviour is unhealthy because it's 'co-dependent'. Co-dependence sounds like something good, but it isn't. It's very different from 'inter-dependence', which is a characteristic exhibited by good leaders or emotionally mature people. Inter-dependence is a place beyond an ego or fear-driven need for independence, which is often mistakenly regarded as being the pinnacle of human development.
Co-dependence is not a 'condition' but a behavioural pattern that seeks to fulfill a desperate gap in one's life. The label originally described the partner of an alcoholic or drug addict. Meaning that sometimes, partners unwittingly sustain or 'support' the habits of their counterparts just by always 'being there' for them and appearing to care for them. So each colludes with the other, for the fulfilment of their particular dysfunctional script.
Co-dependence usually surfaces in people from dysfunctional families. Where it was never safe to express the emotion one felt. Because it might have triggered a negative or violent reaction in someone else. Or the emotion was so intense we were afraid that if we began to express it, we'd also be unable to control it. It was usually coupled with not getting sufficient or indeed any love or support from the significant so-called care-givers in our early life. We quickly learned that if we did things for them or other people, we somehow 'bought' attention and maybe even some appreciation. The terrible sadness though, is that this unconscious pattern is then superimposed on many of our subsequent relationships and interactions as the 'blueprint' for the way the world works. Which of course, it doesn't. But it's the way our particular sad, distorted world works - driven by our quest to be loved.
Some common characteristics of the co-dependent person are: 1) They are unable to say 'no' and will almost always put the needs of others before their own. 2) They will usually appear to be very 'giving' people. Of themselves and their energies. 3) They attract an abnormal number of 'needy' people around them. 4) If you ask them why they help 'everybody', they'll usually give you a neat, packaged, religiously based answer, which will be difficult to argue against rationally. 5) If you ask them to describe how they would know if someone loved them just for themselves, and not for what they could do for that person's career, social or financial standing, they can't answer the question because they've usually never experienced such love. 6) If you ask them what emotional (not sexual) intimacy would feel like, they don't know. 7) They often feel intense emotion, but are unable to clearly define quite what that emotion is. For example: Is it fear, anger, resentment, or self-pity? They feel safer leaving out the detail of emotions because they've been programmed into experiencing identifiable emotion as 'unsafe.' 8) They often have few if any, real friends. Most of the people around them are parasites, leeches and 'takers'. 9) Their relationship difficulties, both personal and career, exhibit a repeated, predictable and consistent pattern of failure - usually ending in disillusionment and sadness, that once again they've been cheated of 'love'. 10) They may be sexually promiscuous, because their desperate need for intimacy can appear to be satisfied for a time by sexual activity. 11) They will often claim to be happy 'being on their own'. 12) They may appear to be 'super-copers' and give the impression of being incredibly 'together'. Quite often their real confidence or status is the exact opposite of what they project. This is called 'paradoxical co-dependence'. Because their projection and thus the perception of them by others belies the reality. 13) They are often found serving in the health or 'caring' professions and institutions or with charitable bodies. They'll be more than adequately represented among psychologists or counsellors. Religious organizations will also have their quota.
Equally dysfunctional, but at the exact opposite end of the continuum, are the 'takers'. They can spot a 'giver' at a thousand metres. These two types often land up in relationships, the one giving and the other taking - with each hoping to receive love through their negatively collusive but unconscious behaviour. It's destined to end only in resentment, unhappiness and depression.
The healing lies in recognizing the driving need behind the behavior. Starting with a reasonably insignificant or dispensable relationship, one needs to realize that this behaviour will remain unrewarded, and cut loose. When you break the pattern once and the sky doesn't fall on your head, it's a whole lot easier to do it again, and again. Until you're finally liberated.
About the Author
Clive is a marketing & communications strategist. His speciality is helping people and organizations make sustainable change. www.imbizo.com
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Definition of addiction changingHerald and NewsThat — in its simplest terms — is at the heart of a change in a psychiatric manual that could have a major effect on diagnosis and treatment of alcoholism and other addictions. An online service is needed to view this article in its entirety.and more » |
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Definitions refined for alcohol addictionToledo BladeOr is there a sliding scale of addiction, with many gradations of severity? That -- in its simplest terms -- is at the heart of a change in a psychiatric manual that could have a major effect on diagnosis and treatment of alcoholism and other ...and more » |
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Are We Addicted to Facebook? It's Complicated.New York Times (blog)But does the research suggest that we are addicted to it? Is our obsession with the social network bordering on unhealthy? Can we resist the siren call of the glowing blue icon? Dr. Rosen said the average person was not addicted to Facebook.and more » |
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